Should we give up sexuality after 60? Quite the opposite.
Seniors still yearn for seventh heaven, alone or with a partner, sometimes to the point that their grandchildren blush, so the topic is taboo.
Analysis and personal relationships.
“If anyone has to sit on Ryan Gosling’s face, it’s going to be me.” This line from 84-year-old American actress Jane Fonda in the Netflix series Grace and Frankie can be both hilarious and disturbing. On the verge of retirement, after her husband’s coming out, her character, an uptight, divorced celebrity, lives with a hippie and together they start a vibrator company.
Whether you like it or not, this show has the advantage of existing in a popular culture where old age is often caricatured or marginalized, and sexuality is practically absent. In the series, older actors play characters their own age, with back problems but without any libido issues. Because yes, seniors are still “doing their thing.” They even seem more fulfilled than their grandchildren.
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The Ultimate Taboo:
“Woman seeks an open and cultured man for a friendly relationship, and if there is a relationship, something more.” This was more or less the first ad 65-year-old Dominique placed in the local newspaper. On the verge of retirement, she wanted to know if she could still experience the pleasures of the flesh again. One lover led to another, and the risk paid off: the sixty-year-old discovered a genuine sexual curiosity. “From cunnilingus to anal sex, I wanted to try everything,” she says, before concluding with a sigh of satisfaction: “I’ve never been so happy; I’ve finally discovered the fullness of orgasm.”
Paradoxically, while life expectancy is rising, few studies have focused on our sex lives after 60. According to a British study published in 2015 in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, 54% of men and 31% of women over 70 are still sexually active. And in France? “Although men tend to brag about it when they say it, we observe a higher frequency of sexual activity than previous generations,” confirms sociologist Serge Guérin, a specialist in seniors (1). A recent study by the charity Les Petits Frères des Pauvres (Little Brothers of the Poor) confirmed this on Thursday, September 29: one in two older people has close relationships, and 91% are satisfied with them.
It’s hard to believe, even harder to imagine. And yet, “desire, like sex, has no expiration date,” reminds psychologist Marie de Hennezel (2). “The body should mature when the juice of youth leaves it. But we don’t know what the body is capable of, what excesses it can commit,” wonders philosopher Pascal Bruckner in his book “The Short Eternity: The Philosophy of Longevity,” published in September 2019 (3). “Before, I looked at people like trees; now I turn around to look at their butts,” Annie Gozh sneers mischievously. At 85, she has just published her first erotic novel, “75, When Desire Is Born…” (4), inspired by her adventures with “wonderful lovers.” And although Annie accepts this, she has decided to write under a pseudonym to avoid embarrassing those around her.
“Senior sexuality is often associated with incest in the popular imagination,” explains sexologist Dr. Patrick Papazian. “According to Freud, visualizing this phenomenon is equivalent to fantasizing about one’s parents and constitutes a fundamental taboo.” According to the doctor, it is, in fact, “the greatest taboo of our society.” “Especially for the younger generation, who can no longer imagine themselves in retirement, reacting to the prevailing climate of gloom and ‘collapsology,'” he adds. And when the physical appearance of our seniors no longer meets 21st-century beauty standards, it’s hard to ignore.
Whether it’s moral or physical, it takes a certain courage to break free from these norms. “I’m not perfect, I have a bit of a belly, but I have the advantage of loving myself very much,” says 75-year-old Jeannine. When the barriers come down, a small narcissistic revolution takes place, as psychologist Marie de Hennezel puts it: “We accept the transition from the outside to the inside. The body ages, but the mind can remain young.”
In this video, a fragment from the documentary “The Sex Education Option.”
Imagining a New Sexual Language.
With 8,000 women under his belt and 517 adult films under his belt, 80-year-old Richard Allan has nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to his figure or his sexual experience. “These days, young men treat women like sluts,” the retiree complains. “But the real pleasure is in the attention.” Because that’s precisely the benefit of retirement: a relationship changes over time. No more distracting thoughts and rushed meetings, “including a five-minute shower”—you’re available intellectually and sexually.
“Before sexual foreplay, now it’s urban foreplay,” notes sociologist Serge Guérin. Marie-Ange, 74, places great importance on this ritual. “A meal prepared with love can be very sensual. You close your eyes and ‘mmmh,'” she reiterates. From impulsive sexuality, we move to slow sex, a concept defined by sociologist Alberto Vitale, focused on slowness and tenderness. “It’s no longer about self-gratification, but about surrendering to the other person and their caresses,” says 65-year-old Dominique.
In practice, older people don’t limit themselves to touching the backs of their hands. Thanks to medical advances, they remain physically accessible: men can maintain a certain level of erection, and women can maintain vaginal lubrication. Sexual positions are also adapting. “In cases of hip arthritis or partial erection, doggy style is easier,” advises Dr. Patrick Papazian. Amazon, drunk boat, or scissors… Everyone does what they can, according to their abilities, preferences, and sexual orientation, as illustrated in the book “Kamasutra for Seniors,” published in 2018 by the LGBT association Grey Pride. Recently, Dominique became fascinated with tantric massage, which focuses on energy flow and the stimulation of erogenous zones. “I discovered I could be a siktura,” she confides.
But pleasure isn’t automatic. “Orgasm doesn’t really matter to us; we can stop, have a snack, and decide whether to start again or not,” says 85-year-old author Annie. Pornographer Olympe de G., who directed a film on the subject (“Salomé’s Last Time,” broadcast on Canal+), shares this vision, free from the pressures of role-playing. “Sexuality is more than just touching a hard organ; you have to open the chakras,” she emphasizes. This could mean using a sex toy, masturbating, or, in Richard’s case, simply watching his wife in her Aubade panties in the morning. “We make love better at this age because we rediscover the playful dimension that sexuality should always have,” comments the hospital sexologist.
Revenge of the Cougar.
Although this configuration is typically associated with couples, it’s gradually becoming more common among singles. “In ten years, the number of divorces after retirement has increased by 41%,” reports sociologist Serge Guérin. Contrary to popular belief, women are increasingly making this decision. “Although the contraceptive pill helped them, they often grew up without a voice or the right to have a checkbook; now they want to ride this wave of feminist liberation,” suggests Dr. Patrick Papazian. In this way, they want to fulfill their professional, family, and therefore sexual desires, ceasing to associate them solely with the need for procreation. “My sex life as a married woman was limited to rough sex,” Annie recalls. “I didn’t realize the beauty of sex.”
This emancipation leads some women to pursue relationships with younger men. “Why settle for someone who looks like my father when I can choose my partner?” asks Jeannine. Far from conforming to the sexist stereotype of the predatory cougar, these women demonstrate that they can still be passionate and desirable. “I would describe myself as polyamorous because I struggle to find a man who meets all my needs,” admits Dominique.
Infantile.
While libido can persist into retirement, it’s hard to imagine it reaching the doors of a nursing home. “Whether they realize it or not, the care team and family infantilize the elderly person, effectively desexualizing them,” explains Dr. Patrick Papazian. But in reality, grandfather and grandmother also resisted there. “With every new arrival, it’s like high school: everyone jostles to be the first to put him to bed,” notes a hospital sexologist. In 2009, a nursing home in the Nouvelle-Aquitaine region gave a sex toy to a woman in her nineties who was harming herself by masturbating with a hairbrush, reports psychologist Marie de Hennezel.
In a time of declining youth sexuality, groups like the LGBTQ+ Grey Pride organization are campaigning to provide a bubble of intimacy for seniors, offering us a far more fulfilling future. “We experience ‘consciously’ the first time we have sex, but not the last,” laments pornographer Olympe de G. “But it’s a moment where we can rediscover and reconnect with everything we loved.”